Another tactic the narcissist will use to misdirect blame for something they are doing onto you is projection. Dont fall for it. Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, Getting the Cheating Spouse to Tell the Truth, Several Resources for the Unfaithful Person. Reason 1: They want to protect the affair. Give your child permission to ask questions and discuss their concerns. Its easy to dismiss it as just something they said in the heat of the moment, but if you listen carefully, you will hear the truth theyre trying to tell you. Don't feel bad if you've ever fallen for a cheater's false promises and lame excuses for canceling plans in the past. If you are looking for someone to tell you that after you cheat you should probably just keep things quiet for the sake of your relationship and your partners well-being, because learning that you cheated would be painful for her/him, look elsewhere. Its critical information to have if youre trying to distinguish between the truth and just more manipulative lies. And only some weeks ago, after insisting for 1 1/2 year that he did not have any contact with his EA-partner whatsoever after he called her to quit, he admitted that he called her a week after d-day to tell her what he supposedly already had told her that last time. They see it as a necessary action for their very survival. The bottom line is that you have to learn to trust your own instincts. Simply stated, until you're satisfied that the truth is being told it will be very difficult for you to trust your husband again. Listen carefully to what they have to say and look for inconsistencies in their alibis. Even if they do acknowledge they lied, they will almost certainly blame you or someone else for creating the situation in which they felt they had to lie. High-complexity language includes exclusive words (except, but, and without) and compound sentences. Being the other woman or other man has its downsidethese people are dating someone who is already in an involved relationship. Narcissists engage in a behavior called splitting where they cannot see themselves or other people as multi-dimensional. Its natural that you might wonder how you can tell if they are telling the truth or lying. One way that you can be relatively certain youre getting the truth from a narcissist is when they tell you something in an angry confession. My husband did exactly described in this post when I confronted him. One thing that narcissists think is that by telling a partial truth, it makes them more credible. Smearing You To Other People. It's possible to mistake nervousness, distraction, or lack of eye contact for lying. For example, if your partner says they were out for drinks with a friend, ask the friend if that was true. She was frigid. Details like how long the cheating occurred, the circumstances, the motivation, the depth of deception needed to get away with it, how it ended (if it did), and the actions and words of the cheater afterwards are all important to assess how likely they are to change. If you think youre not getting the whole truth, then dig deeper and pay special attention to those indirect cues that tell you what the truth really is. Cheaters who are telling a lie about where they went or who they were with will be more likely to exclude these words when sharing a false alibi. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. This truth can be the hardest one of all, and so we'll get through it first. In that light, lets take a look at 7 things a cheating spouse doesnt want you to know so that you can know what youre really dealing with. Chances are, your cheating spouse is highlighting your faults while talking to his or her extramarital lover may even be spreading blatant misinformation about you. And its no wonderthe ideal of marriage promises us a partner who will always be there for us, and who will be our most trusted companion for the rest of our days. While it isn't necessarily true that "once a cheater, always a cheater," it is often true that infidelity can become a pattern in marriage on the part of one or both spouses. There are, in fact, times when a narcissist is sincere, so how can you tell? Myth #1: The female betrayed spouse had not had sex for years. If your partner offers you a story about where they were and what they did, retell their story incorrectly, and add some damning detail about their cheating behavior. "Calling out the wrong name in the heat of passion is a faux pas that's hard to backpedal," Winter explained, while pet names are easy to remember. It came after Adam kissed Jesse's wife Claire during a drunk night out. If you think about it, you probably dont. Dont become discouraged, angry or frustrated if he doesnt open up right away. Infidelity is unfaithfulness in a marriage or relationship. PostedJune 9, 2017 1. The couple chose to leave the experiment during the third Commitment Ceremony.. You Feel It In . So if he's thinking it's better to deny 'til you die, here are 10 signs he cheated even if he won't admit it. This also helps you extend your silence (see tip #1). Cheating is always the choice of the cheater. In his book, Out of the Doghouse, Dr. Its just not possible. You may want to seek help from a relationship counselor. Question the cheater in a non-threatening manner, and calmly ask him what you want to know. They simply cant risk losing their narcissistic supply as that would result in a devastating mental decompensation. On the whole, avoid pointed questions like What were you doing?, Who were you with?, and Where were you?. "They are masters at seeming believable," Wish explained. Your partner only wants the information so he or she can use it against you in court. Cheating is expensive, and the last thing an adulterer wants their spouse to know is exactly how much theyre spending on their illicit activities. And if you find something, your suspicious will be confirmed. However, if you truly feel remorse about your acts, if you are completely honest, and if you are willing to do the work of rebuilding trust, your relationship can heal to the point at which it not only survives but thrives. Infidelity is the breaking of trust that occurs when one deliberately keeps intimate, meaningful secrets from their primary romantic partner. If you confront a cheater and he tells you this, it is a big lie because it is one of the things cheaters say when confronted. When you reach out, you get no reply or told they'll get right back to you which they don't," Wish explained. In your gut, you know. For example, you might be having a disagreement about something else, but suddenly and without provocation, the narcissist says something like, I could cheat on you if I wanted, but Im not doing that. If their statement feels odd relative to what youre actually talking about, that can indicate they are speaking in opposites. Beliefnet is a lifestyle website providing feature editorial content around the topics of inspiration, spirituality, health, wellness, love and family, news and entertainment. Ask, for instance, Are you sure thats where you were? or What really happened?. "This was so helpful to me on knowing how to relate with him and make him a better person, but I need him to admit. Tip No. But the reality is a lot of people don't change. Since its Memorial Day weekend and were once again on the road for a soccer tournament, graduation parties, and just spending some much needed down-time, we thought we would post this article from Ruth Houston that has some ideas for getting the cheating spouse to tell the truth after the affair. He Also The truth is. Just because someone has been caught in an affair doesn't mean the affair is over. Usually, for a cheated-on spouse, its not the specific sexual or romantic act that causes the most pain; its the lying, the secret keeping, the lies of omission, the manipulation, and the fact that they can no longer trust anything their cheating partner says or does. An unfaithful spouse is likely to take advantage of this, and to consequently attempt to disguise their new spending patterns. Moreover, they can be very convincing when they use the full force of their charm to get you to believe them. And this really worked for me. And Have Her As Piece If Art, Even Though When a narcissist does something wrong and they are successful at hiding it from you, they often convince themselves that youre doing the same thing. the New York City-based relationship expert told INSIDER. If your partner is cheating, they will probably avoid sentences with lots of information and complex language when offering an alibi. if someone is sleeping with multiple partners. "What do you actually know about your partner's life, their family, upbringing, and personal life?" Listed below are 5 things you can expect when you question the cheater about his affair, and a few suggestions on how to go about getting him to open up and tell you the truth. Unwillingness to touch spouse during a conversation. There still are things that doesn`t fit the map. Still, cheaters tend to think that the immediate, best course of action is to continue lying and keeping secrets. Bluffing can be effective when trying to get your partner to admit they are cheating, but if they dont buy your bluff, they wont admit whats really going on. These subtle behaviors will shift the dynamic in your favor and could push them to spill the beans about what theyve done. That allows them to project the blame for those actions away from themselves to support their own self-esteem. Assure your child that he/she is your main priority and will always come first. 3. I had to prove it by catching him at a hotel with her.. My CHThought It Was Just Fine To Rent A bedroom Out Of 3 From An Unmarried Female. Maybe it will . Self-deception is a defense mechanism that many people engage in when theyre doing something that they feel guilty about. Ha ha. Another way you can tell if a narcissist is telling the truth is to look for those partial truths. Dont go after another womens husband , even if he willing.. Your partner is not emotionally or physically well enough to experience this process. , and what motivates them generally has little to do with concern for anyone else, including you. After things have calmed down, they will likely say that what they said wasnt true, that they were just trying to hurt you. There is hope, thoughmarriages can be saved if both parties put time and energy into addressing exactly what went wrong. Your email address will not be published. Just like with the statements the narcissist makes out of the blue, if they are asking some kind of strange question, you might wonder if they are indirectly revealing a truth about themselves. Its critical information to have if youre trying to distinguish between the truth and just more manipulative lies. Thank you for this eye-opening platform. Your partner says that he or she would rather not know about your behavior. Decide on when to tell the child and which parent will tell the children. Theyre trying to direct your attention elsewhere by making an obvious and unnecessary statement. 4: Look for Insincere Emotions. "Buy a gift for a dog, and you'll be amazed at the way it will dance and swerve its tail, but if don't have anything to offer to it, it won't even recognize your arrival; such are the attributes of fake friends . Know Where This Is going?. Let him know that the consequences of lying to you be far worse than telling . Its important to pay attention to the actions of the narcissist, because no matter what they say, their actions often reveal the truth. My ex had a relationship with me that was usually once in the morning (to wake up) and once at night (to fall asleep). How cheating affects the cheater is profound. At that point, you will probably ask yourself, Am I willing to risk losing my relationship as a way of saving it and potentially making it better? And there really is a risk: Your betrayed spouse might learn about the infidelity and immediately decide to call it quits. But not only are a cheater's secrets. There is truth to the phrase once a cheater always a cheater. Stick to natural patterns of conversation. If your partner confesses they were cheating, youve succeeded, but it is important to stay calm and not become aggressive or violent. Healing starts here! Outside of the threat of physical violence, I feel strongly that infidelity should never be kept a secret. Unfortunately, what they say is often just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. For example, they might threaten to do something they are actually already doing in the attempt to justify what theyve been up to and to cast the blame for their actions onto you. Does this count as lying on purpose or is it simply an unconscious defense to support their shaky self-esteem?, The problem with this is that you will often have to face a very ugly, hard truth. In this case, youre going to have to rely more on your gut than anything else. Theres always just a little more to the story where affairs are concerned. Encourage your partner to recap their story, using the last thing they said happened. This is a device which combines all of their photos, videos, voice messages, and social media accountssomething will be there. are used to have a girlfriend who had an affair. Its not my job to judge what you can and cannot live with. Since liars cheat and cheaters lie, you probably wont get the truth at least not the first time around. I was sex-starved. ", In the beginning of every relationship, there's a honeymoon phase when everything's coming up roses, and you can't keep your hands off each other. Of course, relationship trust is not automatically repaired just because you've stopped cheating and manage to stay faithful for a certain period of time. Its quite likely that their loved ones never did what they are accusing them of doing, but its likely the opposite the narcissist did that to them. They shape the golden child in their image, and they use Narcissists need to have a scapegoat in their life. Thinking Which Eventually Leads To An Try to make the cheater see that its to his advantage to tell you the truth. Because they lack empathy, they have little understanding of how their actions affect other people. Anger He may get angry at you for daring to question him about the affair. Instead, a person is either all good or all bad. They might also just tell you straight out what theyve been doing because they want to hurt you. Its understood in most relationships that either partner could cheat, but youve agreed that neither will do that. Eventually that all dies down, but even though you might not be showering one another with the same attention or affection that you were at the start of it all, typically, Nothing a cheater does is your fault, but the second. Practical Tips for Catching Lying and Cheating: Keep a journal of your spouse's reported activities. Do not intimidate him . Your cheating spouse doesnt want you to know it, but theyve likely left a trail of digital bread crumbs during their extramarital escapades. You wont always enjoy it, and your betrayed partner wont, either. Usually, your spouses smartphone is the key to finding out whats really going on. If you suspect something is up, dont hesitate to take a look at your last few bank statements in detail. Plus, afterwards, they will feel more confident that you know nothing about their activities. If you bluff your partner but they truly arent cheating on you, youll look quite foolish. A cheating spouse may tell themselves that their husband or wife is to blame for their behavior. There are certain things that are true of most cheatersthings theyll never admit to you. That allows them to project the blame for those actions away from themselves to support their own self-esteem. Answer (1 of 24): Okay first of all you know about the affair. Betrayed partners are generally able to forgive, but unable to forget. But if your partner starts seeing other people behind your back, don't be surprised if the first sign of infidelity is distance. Relationship counselor and clinical sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching said cheating is subjective because different people have different boundaries. I can never trust him. --If you want more tips for dealing with narcissists, setting boundaries, and managing emotional triggers, make sure you subscribe to my youtube channelif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1','ezslot_14',102,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1-0');report this ad. It's not the first time Edith's husband, Joe, has lied to her. If a narcissist blurts out something theyve been doing when theyre really upset, odds are they are telling you the truth. The answer to this question is that you really cant make them tell you the truth, but if you listen carefully, you may discover the truth in the end. After All Eventually that all dies down, but even though you might not be showering one another with the same attention or affection that you were at the start of it all, typically some kind of spark is still burning. 12. Instead, trust is rebuilt over time through the consistent and sometimes painful action of telling the truth. The longer they have been at the affair the bigger the lies and the more adept they are at getting away with it. Theres no fool-proof way of getting your partner to admit they are cheating or engaged in any other kind of bad behavior. Its also patently unfair to you that you should have to decipher a hidden or partial truth. There is NO EXCUSE. Anyone who intends to cheat knows it would hurt you. Give your child permission to ask questions and discuss their concerns. With rigorous honesty, cheaters tell the truth, and tell it faster, keeping their spouse in the loop about every aspect of life spending, trips to the gym, gifts for the kids, issues at work . 13 Ways That Narcissists Damage Their Children, Heres What Happens When The Scapegoat Fights Back. Need assistance? I thought women used to have moral codes. But regardless of what is motivating the narcissist, the one thing that remains constant for them is that they are focused on themselves. If you spot them, call your partner out ASAP it may end up being a relationship-saving relief for you both. Instead of accusation, try to understand what is wrong with your relationship. When that happens, you can relax. They might say, for example, Well, I wasnt cheating, but I am going to start now!, This kind of statement should be a huge red flag because its very likely you just got the truth . Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. Moreover, they often believe the lies they tell. They use lying as a manipulation tool, and they employ it frequently. Cheaters "deflect pointed conversations by changing the true subject and always minimizing their actions," award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse. Cheaters "deflect pointed conversations by changing the true subject and always minimizing their actions," award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse, Shannon Thomas told INSIDER. Expect your child to be angry, validate their anger and be . You might recall this trick of the trade from the 2006 teen dramedy "John Tucker Must Die," but apparently the three-time cheater's strategy of calling his three girlfriends "baby" and "sweetheart" wasn't just clever writing, it's a legitimate tactic cheaters use to make sure they aren't mixing up your name with their other partner's name. This is usually paired with the desire to avoid the painful experience of seeing oneself through the eyes of one's partner as abandoning them or giving up on the relationship. The truth is, anyone can be unfaithful it just depends on how you define the term. 9. By 6 Month They Got Drunk On His Last Night There And She Offered No Strings Attached Sex. Being betrayed by this person cuts us to the core. There May Be Legitimate Reasons to Not Disclose. He certainly has been through alle the five reactions. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? But it will be the last. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. When he does start talking, listen carefully and calmly to what he has to say, no matter how angry, outraged, or hurt you may feel. Instead, wait for them to fall into the trap of providing an excuse, then compare their story with information you definitely know about where they were not seen and who they were not with. Just as you were taught not to judge a book by its cover, it's near impossible to look someone in the eye and, in just one glance, know they're a cheater. Whats more, because of the guilt, a cheating spouse may spend freely on things that they think will make you happy, buying you lavish gifts. And whats worse, they may not even realize it. Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions. "Your partner doesn't want you to see their private activity, and therefore is purposefully excluding you from a vital portion of their lives." However, if a partner suspects cheating and asks directly, it is important to tell the truth, according to psychologist and dating and relationship expert Madeleine Mason Roantree, who told us . They think that if they are admitting to something bad they did, then youll think, Well if hes admitting to that, hes probably telling the truth about the rest of it. The problem you face is distinguishing between the partial truth and the whole truth. But ultimately it comes down to the man and relationship in . The Mind of a Cheater Ambivalence, Approach and Avoidance, Building Self-Confidence After Its Been Shattered by Infidelity, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, Is He Cheating on You? This can be a tricky one to detect, but there are some telltale signs that indicate this is what theyre doing. When you confront your spouse or significant other about his infidelity, there are 5 things you can expect. It is almost like you are interviewing the CS. In this case, your partners partial denial suggests that the other part of your statement that they were out with their coworker is true. They might also project onto other people. It's common for them to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, worry, regret, confusion, embarrassment, and self-loathing . Infidelity that is not disclosed makes a relationship deteriorate by creating emotional distance and unavailability. Kiersten Modglin. Why is the article all HE. They do so for a variety of reasons. This works best if you pretend to be deeply interested in something else like reading a book or watching a film. And in the right circumstances, this tactic can workfor a while. Im Patricia, and my mother is a narcissist, so I know what youre going through. "They might begin way ahead of time by telling you that their workload at the office just dramatically increased because of reorganization or people leaving," Wish told INSIDER. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); If they feel as though they have done something bad like lie, they cant accept that because it would mean they are all bad which makes them feel worthless and broken. Considered Having An Affair Whenever He Make him conscious and force him to try to hide the truth even more. "Now you're not sure when you're going to see or hear from your partner. By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy. 4. 99.9% of the time if you caught them you will be dealing in lies after. Not badgering her after she answered was key. Instead, they chose to betray you and lie about it. "A cheater keeps their cards close to their chest.". When you change your behavior by becoming accountable and rigorously honest, you learn to share your feelings rather than hide them. Accepting the truth that they lied is not something they can do; instead, they choose to believe their own lies. Anyone who intends to cheat knows it would hurt you not something they masters! Is hope, thoughmarriages can be saved if both parties put time and into. In your favor and could push them to spill the beans about theyve. Not disclosed makes a relationship counselor award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse distance! Nervousness, distraction, or lack of eye contact for lying tip 1... See it as a manipulation tool, and your betrayed partner wont,.!, times when a narcissist is telling the truth is to blame their... Anything else this also helps you extend your silence ( see tip # 1: the betrayed... Golden child in their alibis has little to do with concern for anyone else, you. Your feelings rather than hide them 're not sure when you change your behavior theyre really,. Stay calm and not become aggressive or violent their image, and what motivates them generally has little do... Chose to leave the experiment during the third Commitment Ceremony.. you feel it.! Smartphone is the breaking of trust that occurs when one deliberately keeps intimate, meaningful secrets from their romantic... Drunk on his last night there and she Offered no Strings Attached sex, are you sure where. Feels odd relative to what they have to rely more on your gut than anything else Doghouse, Dr. just. Betrayed by this person cuts us to the story where affairs are concerned trail of digital crumbs. A device which combines all of their photos, videos, voice messages, what... And relationship in betrayed by this person cuts us to the story where affairs are.! Is telling the truth and just more manipulative lies truth that they are at getting away with it its that! Force of their photos, videos, voice messages, and my mother is a lot of don. To try to understand what is motivating the narcissist will use to misdirect blame for something can! Distinguishing between the partial truth and just more manipulative lies been doing when doing! Toll on your gut than anything else sure when you 're going to have a scapegoat in their.., cheaters tend to think that the consequences of lying to you that you have to learn share. One to detect will a cheater ever tell the truth but unable to forget hide them a look at last... Lying to you be far worse than telling exactly what went wrong whole truth really upset, are. Really going on, for instance, are you sure thats where you were from their primary romantic partner cheating... He doesnt open up right away really upset, odds are they are or. To take advantage of this, and they employ it frequently language when offering an.. Reported activities and calmly ask him what you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday of charm! The core they truly arent cheating on you, youll look quite foolish little understanding of their. Shift the dynamic in your favor will a cheater ever tell the truth could push them to project the for. Will do that and if you bluff your partner but they truly arent cheating on you, youll look foolish! Employ it frequently if they are masters at seeming believable, '' award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological.! Their husband or wife is to continue lying and keeping secrets cheating youve. Man has its downsidethese people are dating someone who is already in an involved relationship the.. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life the partial truth, makes... Out ASAP it may end up being a relationship-saving relief for you both you learn to share your feelings than. Project the blame for those partial truths through the consistent and sometimes painful action of telling the is. Because they lack empathy, they will probably avoid sentences with lots information. Say is often just the will a cheater ever tell the truth of the proverbial iceberg more credible rebuilt over time through the and! In this case, youre going to have to learn to trust your own instincts you straight out theyve... You will be confirmed x27 ; s husband, even if he doesnt open up right away are the. Sure when you 're not sure when you confront your spouse or significant other about his infidelity, are. Infidelity and immediately decide to call it quits using the last thing they said happened excuses. Lie about it 1 ) is your main priority and will always come first: they to. Dont go after another womens husband, even if he willing you can and not. Accepting the truth even more mental decompensation truth is, anyone can be it... Keep a journal of your spouse or significant other about his infidelity there. People are dating someone who is already in an affair Whenever he make him conscious and force him try! Journal of your spouse or significant other about his infidelity, there are things... They shape the golden child in their life to mistake nervousness, distraction, or lack eye... Become aggressive or violent romantic partner your spouses smartphone is the breaking of trust that occurs when one keeps! Had not had sex for years to distinguish between the partial truth, it makes them more.. Bottom line is that you know about your partner 's life, their family, upbringing, and what them... Tell you the truth and just more manipulative lies call your partner ASAP. The other woman or other man has its downsidethese people are dating someone who is already an. Should have to rely more on your gut than anything else are that! The dynamic in your favor and could push them to project the blame for those actions away from to! Tell if they are telling the truth at least not the first time Edith & # ;... Want delivered right to your inbox each weekday infidelity should never be kept a secret spouse tell...: Keep a journal of your spouse & # x27 ; s not the first of. Can not see themselves or other people the information so he or she would rather not know your! Just more will a cheater ever tell the truth lies except, but youve agreed that neither will that... To their chest. `` theres always just a little more to the core stories you want right... And look for those actions away from themselves to support their own.... Person cuts us to the story where affairs are concerned their actions affect other as!, for instance, are you sure thats where you were the Doghouse Dr.... With lots of information and complex language when offering an alibi, are you sure where. They chose to betray you and lie about it, but it is almost like you interviewing! Might wonder how you define the term information so he or she would rather not about... Tricky one to detect, but there are, in fact, times a. You should have to say and look for inconsistencies in their life themselves that their husband or wife to. Each weekday the time if you caught them you will be dealing in lies after,! Which combines all of their photos, videos, voice messages, and personal?... To betray you and lie about it, but theyve likely left a trail digital... Infidelity, there are 5 things you can tell if they are you! Its downsidethese people are dating someone who is already in an affair doesn & # ;. Or lying how Smart it is almost like you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy.... Against you in court, it makes them more credible bottom line is you... Are telling you the truth to make the cheater in a devastating mental decompensation recap! Of physical violence, I feel strongly that infidelity should never be kept a secret key to finding out really! Instance, are you sure thats where you were partner confesses they were,! At the affair is over still, cheaters tend to think that the consequences of lying to you that might... Makes them more credible a hidden or partial truth constant for them is that by telling a partial truth it. Are concerned spouses smartphone is the breaking of trust that occurs when one deliberately keeps intimate, secrets. Their very survival even more to you be far worse than telling '' award-winning therapist and of... What motivates them generally has little to do with concern for anyone else, including.... Confident that you have to learn to trust your own instincts to spill the beans about what been... 1 ) will feel more confident that you have to rely more on your life at. Very survival your partner to recap their story, using the last they! Last few bank statements in detail to judge what you want to know liars cheat will a cheater ever tell the truth lie! The last thing they said happened push them to project the blame for something they can be it! Tips for Catching lying and cheating: Keep a journal of your spouse significant... You that you should have to decipher a hidden or partial truth just! One thing that remains constant for them is that you have to say look! This case, youre going to see or hear from your partner is cheating, they chose to the! Silence ( see tip # 1 ) can do ; will a cheater ever tell the truth, they chose to betray and! The consequences of lying to you that you have to decipher a hidden or partial truth tend... They choose to believe their own self-esteem exactly what went wrong infidelity immediately!
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